Animal Farm II
In Which George Bush Says What He Really Means (A PLAY BY ARUNDHATI ROY)
In Which George Bush Says What He Really Means (A PLAY BY ARUNDHATI ROY)
ARUNDHATI ROY
CAVEAT: In this age of copyright, intellectual property, piracy and plagarism I want to acknowledge that this play is entirely derivative. The ideas have all come from the public speeches and actions of the famous poet, pacifist, flowerchild, free-thinker and social activist George W Bush. Much of the play is based on the text of his recent speech in the Asia Society in New York. (All money from ticket sales should be sent directly to him.)
Ext. Day.
Purana Qila.
The Delhi Zoo.
It’s spring. The neem trees have lost their leaves. The silk cotton and the kachnaar are in full bloom. The car park is packed with Mercs with their engines running and their air-conditioners on. Bored uniformed chauffeurs are listening to Hindi film songs on swanky car stereos.
Inside the zoo the animals’ cages have been recently cleaned and smell of phenyl. Tiny American and Indian flags flutter from the bars. There are heavily armed US security guards with muscles and sunglasses on top of every cage. They search the crowd and the cages for the first sign of trouble. They seem particularly uneasy about the pangolin.
George Bush is standing in a bullet-proof cage and addressing a gathering of rich industrialists, MPs and a few film stars. They all wear lots of rings and have faded red thread wrapped around their wrists.
GEORGE BUSH: Hello all you lucky people! Thankyou for taking time off your busy schedules to come and listen to the President of the United States.
Ext. Day.
Purana Qila.
The Delhi Zoo.
It’s spring. The neem trees have lost their leaves. The silk cotton and the kachnaar are in full bloom. The car park is packed with Mercs with their engines running and their air-conditioners on. Bored uniformed chauffeurs are listening to Hindi film songs on swanky car stereos.
Inside the zoo the animals’ cages have been recently cleaned and smell of phenyl. Tiny American and Indian flags flutter from the bars. There are heavily armed US security guards with muscles and sunglasses on top of every cage. They search the crowd and the cages for the first sign of trouble. They seem particularly uneasy about the pangolin.
George Bush is standing in a bullet-proof cage and addressing a gathering of rich industrialists, MPs and a few film stars. They all wear lots of rings and have faded red thread wrapped around their wrists.
GEORGE BUSH: Hello all you lucky people! Thankyou for taking time off your busy schedules to come and listen to the President of the United States.
(The Hoollock Gibbon hoots. The Orangutan doesn’t even look up from his flea-hunt. The clouded leopard paces up and down. The Slow Loris looks surprised.)
I’m here today to talk about two great democracies in Asia, both of whom I have decided to invite into my Harem. Innia… and Afghanistan – sorry – Pakistan. Damn! I knew it had a Stan in it somewhere – but of course Afghanistan’s already in my harem, so how can I invite her in. Heh! Heh! Innia’s a democracy because the people voted for a government that obeys me. Pakistan’s a democracy because General Musharraf has my vote. So do the bigots in Central Asia and Saudi Arabia. Palestine’s not a democracy because they voted for people I don’t like. But Innia’s my favourite democracy.
More than five centuries ago the famous mass murderer and founder of our nation — Christopher Columbus set out to discover Innia and proved the world was round. Now my friend Tom Friedman says its flat. Frankly, I don’t really care what shape it is, as long as it belongs to me and I can play with it all day long. But as you know, Chris Columbus discovered the US instead of Innia. Fortunately there were lots of Innians there too. With God on our side we killed them all – 40 to 60 million of them – I don’t recall the actual figure, my office will send out a statement later. But let’s not quibble, what’s a little genocide between friends? The good thing is that we now have the country to ourselves. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. We have more Newcooler Weapons than any of you could possibly imagine. I could destroy the whole world in a minute if I’m in a bad mood. Heh! Heh! Jus’ kiddin’. I’m not really a moody guy. Besides…I’m on your side for now. I mean, I’m on your side now. I’m not your enemy am I? Do I look like that kind of guy? Have you seen Sleeping with the Enemy? I have, and I said to Laura, the film’s okay, but the question is, who gets f*****d? Ha!
Looks around with that sneery triumphant look we have all come to know and love.
I’m here today to talk about two great democracies in Asia, both of whom I have decided to invite into my Harem. Innia… and Afghanistan – sorry – Pakistan. Damn! I knew it had a Stan in it somewhere – but of course Afghanistan’s already in my harem, so how can I invite her in. Heh! Heh! Innia’s a democracy because the people voted for a government that obeys me. Pakistan’s a democracy because General Musharraf has my vote. So do the bigots in Central Asia and Saudi Arabia. Palestine’s not a democracy because they voted for people I don’t like. But Innia’s my favourite democracy.
More than five centuries ago the famous mass murderer and founder of our nation — Christopher Columbus set out to discover Innia and proved the world was round. Now my friend Tom Friedman says its flat. Frankly, I don’t really care what shape it is, as long as it belongs to me and I can play with it all day long. But as you know, Chris Columbus discovered the US instead of Innia. Fortunately there were lots of Innians there too. With God on our side we killed them all – 40 to 60 million of them – I don’t recall the actual figure, my office will send out a statement later. But let’s not quibble, what’s a little genocide between friends? The good thing is that we now have the country to ourselves. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave. We have more Newcooler Weapons than any of you could possibly imagine. I could destroy the whole world in a minute if I’m in a bad mood. Heh! Heh! Jus’ kiddin’. I’m not really a moody guy. Besides…I’m on your side for now. I mean, I’m on your side now. I’m not your enemy am I? Do I look like that kind of guy? Have you seen Sleeping with the Enemy? I have, and I said to Laura, the film’s okay, but the question is, who gets f*****d? Ha!
Looks around with that sneery triumphant look we have all come to know and love.
I’m sorry Laura’s not here. She’s doing a photo-op with some orphans down at Mother Treezer’s. I have truly enjoyed meeting your Prime Minister – the guy with the turban and the funny high voice. I’m trying to get him to hand over the couple of Newcooler bombs you peoples’ have in your little cupboard, so that I can look after them for you. Your Prime Minister is a good man – he went to Oxford didn’t he? But still… he does wear that funny turban, and when I look around me I see all kinds of funnily dressed people, some of them even have beards and look like Muzzlims. People who live in hot countries smell funny and don’t use deodrant. My favourite deodrant is called Freedom, it has a lovely lemony smell. I don’t think funnily dressed people should have Newcooler weapons. So those bombs in your cupboard – I must inist, I mean insist - on them being handed over.
In the US we don’t keep bombs in our cupboards. Only skeletons. Our favourite skellies have pet names. They’re called Peace, Democracy and the Free Market. Their real names are Cruise Missile, Daisy Cutter and Bunker Buster. We like Cluster Bomb too. We call her Claire. She’s real pretty and kids like to play with her and then she explodes in their faces and maims or kills them. That’s a real hoot. But don’t tell my mom I said that. She’ll make me wash my tongue with soap.
I’m here today because Asia is transforming very quickly, and I want to be part of all the spiralling violence and environmental destruction. I love that sort of stuff – as those morons in Kyoto have no doubt been bleating about to you. I believe there isn’t a single river left in India with potable water and the water table is plummeting. But you can have Coke instead, it’s cooler and tastes better. And you’re getting those lovely gigantic malls where you can buy anything if you have the cash. It gives me a thrill to know that the lives of rich Innians are improving rapidly and that Innian CEOs’ salaries are beginning to match their western counterparts. That’s lovely. In the US we subsidize our CEOs. We spoil them rotten because we love them. We love our corporate farmers too. We give them billions of dollars of subsidies because they’re really good people. They’re not like your farmers – thin and poor and suicidal. Your farmers don’t deserve subsidies because they’re not good people. You should put them on Prozac. That would bring in some more revenue to US drug companies.
As I was saying last week in the Asia Society, it’s good to know that rich Innians are buying air-conditioners, kitchen appliances and washing machines made by US companies like GE, Whirlpool and Westinghouse. Younger Indians are developing a taste for Dominos Pizzas and revolting hamburgers. This is wonderful news because Americans are tired of being the only people in the world with obesity problems and a truly disgusting cuisine.
In the US we don’t keep bombs in our cupboards. Only skeletons. Our favourite skellies have pet names. They’re called Peace, Democracy and the Free Market. Their real names are Cruise Missile, Daisy Cutter and Bunker Buster. We like Cluster Bomb too. We call her Claire. She’s real pretty and kids like to play with her and then she explodes in their faces and maims or kills them. That’s a real hoot. But don’t tell my mom I said that. She’ll make me wash my tongue with soap.
I’m here today because Asia is transforming very quickly, and I want to be part of all the spiralling violence and environmental destruction. I love that sort of stuff – as those morons in Kyoto have no doubt been bleating about to you. I believe there isn’t a single river left in India with potable water and the water table is plummeting. But you can have Coke instead, it’s cooler and tastes better. And you’re getting those lovely gigantic malls where you can buy anything if you have the cash. It gives me a thrill to know that the lives of rich Innians are improving rapidly and that Innian CEOs’ salaries are beginning to match their western counterparts. That’s lovely. In the US we subsidize our CEOs. We spoil them rotten because we love them. We love our corporate farmers too. We give them billions of dollars of subsidies because they’re really good people. They’re not like your farmers – thin and poor and suicidal. Your farmers don’t deserve subsidies because they’re not good people. You should put them on Prozac. That would bring in some more revenue to US drug companies.
As I was saying last week in the Asia Society, it’s good to know that rich Innians are buying air-conditioners, kitchen appliances and washing machines made by US companies like GE, Whirlpool and Westinghouse. Younger Indians are developing a taste for Dominos Pizzas and revolting hamburgers. This is wonderful news because Americans are tired of being the only people in the world with obesity problems and a truly disgusting cuisine.
But all bad things have good apcess. The good apcess. (An aide leans forward and whispers “Aspect Mr President.”) That’s what I said – the good aspect of our terrible food is that it strengthens our resolve and commitment in our war against Muzzlims – I beg your pardon – against terrorists. I love Muzzlims. The good ones that is, the ones who aren’t terrorists and work in call centres. They’re real nice folks. To defeat terrorists our intelligence agencies are spying on all of you all the time. You have no idea how much we know about you. We have surveillance cameras and wireless devices and software we have put into your computers so that we can watch you all the time. We know where you go, what you buy, who you sleep with. Brig Bother is watching you! Heh! Heh!
I hate terrorists because they think they have a right to kill people too. But when I was small, my mother and my grandmother - you say Naani in Hindi right? My mom and my naani told me that the only person who has the right to kill people, bomb countries and use chemical and newcooler weapons is the President of the United States. And guess who that is!
Begins to whoop and hoot and startle all the animals. The zoo erupts with alarm calls.
I’m very glad to be here because I love animals. I love hunting animals, especially when they are in cages and can’t bite me. Once when I was small a bee bit me and I cried. I also love fighting wars against countries after they have been starved and forced to disarm. You know how clever we were about all that in Eye-raq. I love bombs because you don’t have to see who you’ve killed which really suits cowards like me. But I’m a girlboy and I don’t see why we’re conditioned to expect men to be brave. But you needn’t worry, I’m not here to bomb you or starve you – because Indians are starving anyway, Ha! Ha!
Looks around triumphantly and looks contrite when he realizes he’s made a boo-boo.
I hate terrorists because they think they have a right to kill people too. But when I was small, my mother and my grandmother - you say Naani in Hindi right? My mom and my naani told me that the only person who has the right to kill people, bomb countries and use chemical and newcooler weapons is the President of the United States. And guess who that is!
Begins to whoop and hoot and startle all the animals. The zoo erupts with alarm calls.
I’m very glad to be here because I love animals. I love hunting animals, especially when they are in cages and can’t bite me. Once when I was small a bee bit me and I cried. I also love fighting wars against countries after they have been starved and forced to disarm. You know how clever we were about all that in Eye-raq. I love bombs because you don’t have to see who you’ve killed which really suits cowards like me. But I’m a girlboy and I don’t see why we’re conditioned to expect men to be brave. But you needn’t worry, I’m not here to bomb you or starve you – because Indians are starving anyway, Ha! Ha!
Looks around triumphantly and looks contrite when he realizes he’s made a boo-boo.
Oops…that’s what my granny calls a boo boo! Sorry. The reason I’m here is that I like rich Indians. The reason I like rich Indians is that they are obedient and brainy and that is a pretty rare combination. In the US we consider them model immigrants. I like obedient brainy rich Indians because they bring additional brainpower to help solve problems and provide executives in the US with critical information about the needs of their consumers and customers overseas. India is important as a market for US products. It has one billion people for us to exploit. The best part is that the Indian Government lets us take India’s own stuff - coal, bauxite, minerals, even water and electricity and sell it back to them at huge profits. That’s really fun.
Unfortunately out of these one billion people, most of them are poor. I hate poor people because they have no money to buy anything. I wish they would just disappear. I was glad to hear that tens of thousands of Indian farmers are committing suicide. In the US we called that irresponsible self-destructive behaviour. But if we could just speed that up a bit, put it on a fast track trajectory, we could turn things around real fast. But poor people make good maidservants and wage labourers so we need to keep them going.
Soon we hope that US corporations will own all Indian seeds, plants, biodiversity, essential infrastructure and even their new ideas. As I said, Indians are quite brainy and sometimes have good ideas. We can’t afford to let them own their own ideas. We can’t allow farmers to own seeds. Everybody ought to ask us about everything. I love it when everybody needs my permission. Dick says the key word is control.
One of the US corporations that we’re proudest of is owned by Bill Gates. He visits India often. He is a wonderful and generous man. He gives the Indian government millions of dollars to fight HIV Aids. I don’t like people who have HIV Aids because they’re mostly blacks and homos. I like the companies who make Aids drugs that no one can afford. I love that kind of dark, edgy humour. But I was talking about Bill. In return for Bill Gates’ millions the Indian government buys hundreds of millions of dollars worth of computer technology from him. He’s so rich I’m afraid he might burst.
I’m quite rich too. So are my friends and my friends’ friends and my friends’ friends’ friends. Especially Dick Cheney. We work on our filthy deals together. Oil, weapons – all that. Shame about what happened to Enron. But it was good while it lasted. I love Dick especially because he tells me what to say at press conferences. I miss him. But I’ll never go hunting with him. He might shoot me with his illegal gun, and I don’t know what I’ll do when I’m dead.
I’m looking forward to bombing Eye-ran. We have some new weapons we want to test. It should be fun. I hope India will send some soldiers to help us. There are so many of you, it won’t matter much if you lose a few. And you’re committing suicide in droves anyway, which is illegal. Why not get killed legally in Eye-ran or Eye-raq? We could arrange posthumous green cards. We’d have them laminated. But that would be charged to their account. Think about it.
Thankyou for your time. ‘Bye now.
Jay Hind.
Mar 11 , 2006
Unfortunately out of these one billion people, most of them are poor. I hate poor people because they have no money to buy anything. I wish they would just disappear. I was glad to hear that tens of thousands of Indian farmers are committing suicide. In the US we called that irresponsible self-destructive behaviour. But if we could just speed that up a bit, put it on a fast track trajectory, we could turn things around real fast. But poor people make good maidservants and wage labourers so we need to keep them going.
Soon we hope that US corporations will own all Indian seeds, plants, biodiversity, essential infrastructure and even their new ideas. As I said, Indians are quite brainy and sometimes have good ideas. We can’t afford to let them own their own ideas. We can’t allow farmers to own seeds. Everybody ought to ask us about everything. I love it when everybody needs my permission. Dick says the key word is control.
One of the US corporations that we’re proudest of is owned by Bill Gates. He visits India often. He is a wonderful and generous man. He gives the Indian government millions of dollars to fight HIV Aids. I don’t like people who have HIV Aids because they’re mostly blacks and homos. I like the companies who make Aids drugs that no one can afford. I love that kind of dark, edgy humour. But I was talking about Bill. In return for Bill Gates’ millions the Indian government buys hundreds of millions of dollars worth of computer technology from him. He’s so rich I’m afraid he might burst.
I’m quite rich too. So are my friends and my friends’ friends and my friends’ friends’ friends. Especially Dick Cheney. We work on our filthy deals together. Oil, weapons – all that. Shame about what happened to Enron. But it was good while it lasted. I love Dick especially because he tells me what to say at press conferences. I miss him. But I’ll never go hunting with him. He might shoot me with his illegal gun, and I don’t know what I’ll do when I’m dead.
I’m looking forward to bombing Eye-ran. We have some new weapons we want to test. It should be fun. I hope India will send some soldiers to help us. There are so many of you, it won’t matter much if you lose a few. And you’re committing suicide in droves anyway, which is illegal. Why not get killed legally in Eye-ran or Eye-raq? We could arrange posthumous green cards. We’d have them laminated. But that would be charged to their account. Think about it.
Thankyou for your time. ‘Bye now.
Jay Hind.
Mar 11 , 2006
